It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." Albus Dumbledore
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about being an old lady and diminishing abilities. And warriors and how to be one and Amazons—and not just the shopping kind, although that kind of worked itself into my meandering mind as well. (Regular readers won’t be surprised . . .)
For example, my town’s high school recently (and finally) retired their Native American mascot and in a somewhat sly and lame move, replaced “Indians” with “Warriors.” I’m not so sure the replacement is much better, but I suppose it’s a step forward. When it came to deciding on a new emblem for the name, the students in the high school were asked to come up with suggestions. Nobody asked me, but I secretly thought it would be wonderful to adopt an image of a warrior of the Dora Milaje as the school mascot.
Are you familiar with them? The Dora Milaje are the all-female guardians of the King in the Marvel comic series (and subsequent movie) Black Panther. Maybe you’re not as big a fan of the Dora as I am, but they are awesome and not entirely fictional. These all-female guardians were based on the legendary warriors who protected the kingdom of Dahomey in the African country of Benin. Europeans who visited the kingdom in the 19th century called Dahomey’s female fighters Amazons after the ruthless warriors of Greek mythology. How cool would that image be emblazoned on a team jacket? I’d wear it.
But in the absence of a team jacket, I am wearing a silver bracelet with the word “Warrior” engraved on it…not for the town team, but for Team Annie. After Annie was diagnosed with breast cancer in August, I put that bracelet on and wear it every day. It reminds me to be strong and to be present, because it’s what I have to be every day in the face of this terrible diagnosis and ensuing treatment. And, in an interesting turn of events, one of the side effects I’ve experienced throughout this journey is a strong desire to get and remain healthy.
Crazy, right? If anyone had a reason to sit around in their comfies all day, crying, with a bag of Ruffles clutched in one hand and a bottle of Apothic in the other, it’s me. But that image would be quite at odds with say, my recent Amazon order—pictured above: weight-lifting gloves and a daily reminder pill pack. The daily reminder thing is legit—suddenly I’m forgetting whether or not I’ve taken my morning meds, but the weight lifting gloves? I’ll be 64 on my next, imminent, birthday. When my grandmother Agnes was 64, she wore full aprons and baked Swedish spritz cookies all day. Now that was an old lady! I’ve just re-upped a membership to the gym. Who am I? Not the kind of Gramma I imagined I’d be.
Why? Because I’m facing issues that require choices that don’t necessarily reflect my age and abilities, but they sure do reflect where my life is, that’s why. I heard a quote on a podcast I recently caught up with: Tiny Victories. One of the hosts, Annabelle Gurwitch quoted a friend who said, in part, “There is no one else I would ever want to be, even with all the flaws and doubts and losses, the near misses and the successes. I guess I couldn't have known that till now.” (Claudette Sutherland - Facebook ) Those words swirled around in my brain for hours before they settled in and made sense. Try as I might to poke at it, by thinking, “yeah, but if I was . . .” or “sure, but, if there had been . . .” , I realized, “Nope. She’s right. I’m good where I am.” I’m making choices now I never thought I’d have to make; and it’s not only surprising that I have to do it, but, oddly, I’m fine with it. And of course I couldn’t have known that till now, nor could I have known I’d feel this way then. We have no idea what challenges are coming our way, but as we get older, we can be more confident in the way we meet them.
So I am an old lady, but I’m a warrior, too. And an Amazon . . . shopper. I’m a new kind of Amazon. See how I tied it all up there?
PS(A): I was devoted to the Tiny Victories podcast when I discovered it a little over a year ago. I listened regularly and liked and retweeted almost every episode. I felt like the hosts—Annabelle Gurwitch and Laura House—had read my mind each week and went about presenting a show that revolved around everything I had been thinking about. Then, after Annie got cancer, I didn’t feel like listening to any victories—even tiny ones. But, a couple of weeks ago, I tuned in again and damn if they weren’t still reading my mind! This particular episode was no exception, as Ms. Sutherland’s quote crystalized everything I had been feeling about everything our family has been going through. So, listen and subscribe! You won’t regret it. And also share and leave hearts and stars and whatever other shapes you can think of to help support this show.
https://maximumfun.org/episodes/tiny-victories/the-wise-and-inspirational-claudette/
I've always thought that you read my mind, Cindy. So, it's fun to think that there are more of us out there sorting our lives and finding that I'm pretty much okay with who I am and what I've become. Some of that has come from digging deeper into my own blog posts and discovering the pot of gold of strength and inspiration I didn't realize I had. So, thanks! And, here's to Annie!
I relate so well--I wouldn't want to be anyone else either, not really. And I'm okay with the difference between my "imagined" life and the life I am actually living now.