In January, I had this great idea for an essay--a new podcast I was listening to was speaking directly to me and I was compelled to write about it and share it. It’s now the end of March and I’m just getting around to it. But January had other plans for me and I put the idea, and most everything else having to do with my writing, on hold--where honestly it had been for the better part of the past four years.
My dad, who lived with us, began needing more care. Nothing that really required more strenuous work, just more vigilance and supervision. I could steal an hour or so of time to work on an essay or my book, but more than likely that hour was interrupted by something that needed attention: a dropped TV remote, a stumble in the bathroom, a misplaced item that was urgently needed. My stolen hours were getting fewer and further between. Any free time I could scrounge together was mostly spent in my living room on the recliner under my comfy blanket or stretched out on my bed playing on my phone. I considered those moments of respite a win. And then I realized they were actually tiny victories.
The podcast I had discovered was in fact called “Tiny Victories” and it’s hosted by Annabelle Gurwitch and Laura House. It’s a tiny podcast; only about 10-15 minutes long, and it “pushes back on the notion that you have to “go big” or “go home.” Sometimes just going is the victory.” I was all about tiny victories at that point in my life. After three years of caregiving and nearly a year of pandemic, I was happy to get dressed in the morning. Showering regularly was a habit from the past and remembering not to be an asshole every day to my dad took up most of my energy.
On February 1st, Dad declined suddenly. We were swept up in that most gruesome of family rituals--waiting for someone to die. Caring for him had been difficult all along because between dementia and diabetes, his abilities were not always as available as he thought and therefore became resentful of the care he needed. However, as Dad closed in on his passing, his old self seemed to return. He was funny, agreeable, smart. Even though his care ramped up to almost literally 24/7, knowing we were “walking him home” made it more doable. The tiny victories were the times when he smiled or said thank you. Or fell asleep for a couple of hours.
And then on February 17th he was gone. I honestly can’t remember the days since, but they’ve been a mixture of sadness, responsibility, phone calls, bureaucracy and grief. The concept of tiny victories helped me through, even though I didn’t have time to actually listen to new episodes. I was able to celebrate when I put the paperwork away for the day and go sit on my porch to listen to the newly arrived birds. Or give myself a pat on the back for yet another signed document in the mail. And scanning the death certificate and sending it to the attorney garnered me an imaginary tiara.
Then I realized, “wait...I can catch up on my podcasts!” and that felt like a tiny victory, too. Even when I couldn’t listen, I’ve been following, commenting and tagging Annabelle and Laura so often, I am afraid I might be coming off as a little creepy/stalky. But it’s just that there are so many connections, it feels like they really are speaking directly to me. For example, on the Puttering episode, Annabelle admitted she liked untangling necklaces and I thought to myself, “well, who doesn’t?” It’s one of my favorite mindless activities! As I listened to the Yellow episode, I was taking a walk after weeks of not taking walks and all around me were the yellow harbingers of Spring; daffodils and crocuses illuminating my path. (I also have a Pantone sticker book.) And in the most recent episode about disenfranchised grief, the term was coined by a professor when a student spoke to him about grieving an ex-spouse. I wrote about that exact feeling after my ex-husband died and I’ve never received more positive feedback than I have on that essay from people who knew exactly what I was talking about.
These days, coping with the Dad’s death, navigating Angelo’s and my “new life” together and a million other things I have to manage, not the least of which is hoping to resurrect my 2nd career as a writer, one of my greatest tiny victories is listening to Tiny Victories.
If that makes me a stalker, then so be it.
Subscribe to Tiny Victories podcast - https://maximumfun.org/podcasts/tiny-victories/
I love this piece and I love your heart.
So sorry for your loss, Cindy. Lovely piece. Hugs.