One day a couple of weeks ago, was the announcement date for the outcome of yet another writing competition I entered several months back. Had I won, I probably would have been notified before the actual announcement date. But was I checking my email since the break of dawn that day at a rate only a crazy person would understand? Yes.
I had gathered up a bunch of words I thought sounded good together and sent them into the abyss of writing competitions. The same abyss in which hundreds of thousands of other words--whose creators thought the same of them--had been submitted. And while I waited, I alternately cheered myself up and tore myself down.
It’s insane.
Here’s a sample inner monologue:
Angel Me: I think this is going to be it...third time’s a charm!
Devil Me: It’s your zillionth time.
Angel Me: But this one is funny. Everyone said so.
Devil Me: You used bad words. You’re a bad writer.
Angel Me: Bad words are okay now. They’re funny!
Devil Me: Then why didn’t you get an email yet. Did you check today?
Angel Me: Maybe they’re waiting until the last minute, right before they announce.
Devil Me: Right. They want to surprise you! Like you’re a four-year-old getting a puppy.
Angel Me: Let me just check my email again...
Devil Me: If you haven’t heard by now...
This goes on ad nauseam in my poor brain. I make adjustments as the days go by. I haven’t heard yet because:
~ It’s because of the holiday
~ It’s because of the weekend
~ They’re afraid if they notify the winners too soon, they’ll give away the results on social media (I won’t! I promise!)
~ They actually haven’t made a decision yet
~ They forgot to make a decision
~ Nobody won.
~ Everyone won except me...
I don’t think I’m the only one who goes through this, but it can certainly feel like I am. Especially when one is on social media and hearing about everyone else’s successes! It’s hard to read about all the awards and contracts and deals without feeling a little twinge of envy. I ran that feeling by Google Scholar and discovered there are lots of articles on such a feeling—actually referred to as “Social Media Envy”--and that it’s related to depression and other ills. I didn’t read any of the articles, though, because they’re all published authors--or winners--and it would be ironic to read them. I try to limit my exposure to random sightings on Facebook or Instagram. Then, when I see my fellow writers and authors proclaim their good fortune, I am mostly happy for their successes. Actually, not mostly...always. Do I secretly wish it were me? Yup.
Even when I glare at my Inbox for not delivering me the good news, I know that each time I get a “But we've decided not to pursue this project,” at some point, I will do it again. I will gather up a bunch more words, order them in a clever, thoughtful or humorous way, slap a clever title on the lot of them and send them off again. And again. And again. It’s part of the process of being a human. To go after the thing you want over and over. What’s that thing people say about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? It’s insanity?
Maybe it’s just being a writer.
Hope