Five years ago, when Angelo and I stayed in Italy for six weeks and called it our sabbatical, one of the many things I learned to appreciate was the value of listening. In Italy, all I could do was listen. Since I didn’t fulfill my promise to learn the language “the next time we go” I mostly sat at the edge of conversations, enjoying the rolling Italian words and expressions, but not really expected to contribute. I couldn’t make arrangements, call anyone, order from the menu—niente! I could listen—or not—to any of the many conversations taking place and just sit back and enjoy my pasta or wine or the view. Let everyone else take care of the plans. I was non capisco.
But even then, I had to pay attention or risk missing something important--like ordering dessert. Learning--or remembering--to listen is a lesson that always comes up, isn’t it? One of my earlier lessons was an experience that helped me understand that there are times, most of them in fact, when it is better to keep your mouth shut rather than vie for talk time with other, more eager speakers. It’s not only a good idea, but listening is fundamental in providing yourself with essential information in any given situation.
When I was working as one of a team of educational Professional Development Specialists most of our work involved travel outside of the office to the school districts we served. In order to stay connected and catch up with one another, we had bi-weekly staff meetings. At one of these meetings, a woman from another agency came in to present the latest, required mandates for our school districts. As she rolled out the requirements for the new initiative, questions arose, especially in implementing such requirements in our more rural districts, which would be different than the large, urban districts she was describing. So she began to tell us how to do our work. That didn’t go over so well, but she didn’t seem to notice and kept talking. A couple of times, I tried to ask a question. She not only didn’t acknowledge me, she rolled right on…talking, talking, talking. I felt myself getting agitated, motivated to share the important information I had, to speak my mind, to finally have a say, dammit!
It was at that moment, I shut myself down. I felt like I was competing with that woman for—well, I don’t know for what. To show how smart I was? To show how stupid she was? Whatever I was feeling, it wasn’t comfortable nor was it satisfying and I didn’t feel much like a professional. I spent the rest of that meeting taking notes and listening, not only to our speaker, but to the rest of my colleagues as they also tried to get a word in edgewise and ask pertinent questions. I later discovered that others had a similar frustration with this speaker.
It was one of the better lessons in my life. Learning to listen to whomever is speaking as well as to what is going on in the rest of the room is to learn how to gather information. We all require information in order to make our next move, to decide how to proceed, to consider others’ needs.
Even in Italy, I must listen because even if I don’t understand everything, there is more to listening than hearing the words. Smiles, tears, chuckles, sidelong glances accompany words in Italian and English. Between my early professional lesson and my trips to Italy, listening now incorporates a lot more activity; I have to focus my attention on the whole conversation; the body language, the tone and the participants. When I do that, my level of understanding of a person or a situation can expand a little more.
Everything everyone does or says to you, here or anywhere, is data. It is basic information to help us respond appropriately. We can be present for that information simply by listening. And maybe a little patience. Don’t interrupt, don’t anticipate, don’t decide you know better what someone else is trying to say. Mark Twain said, “The unspoken word is capital. We can invest it or we can squander it.” When we listen, we invest ourselves in the experience of living with others. When it’s time to listen, it is our silence that demonstrates our love and respect.
So you got “agita” as Italians would say listening to this talking head who has all the answers but probably never worked in a classroom setting in years!
wisdom!