You know what I’m doing today? Adhering to a strict schedule to provide clear liquids, popsicles, Jello and ginger ale for Luca as he kid-preps for yet another round of tests. He’s been dealing with some gastroenterological issues for a couple of months and so far, no one can tell what’s going on. So—“further testing.”
Annie isn’t home with him today because she had to reschedule her chemo treatment so she could be with him for the procedure tomorrow. A procedure no 11-year-old child should have to undergo and definitely not without his parents, but that’s where we are. And that’s where she is.
Tony had to be out of town—also rescheduled so he could be with Luca—so fortunately I live literally down the street and made plans to be with him starting from after school yesterday. After I picked up Luca, we did a little shopping—he wanted a “great” sweet treat for after dinner since he wouldn’t be eating for over 24 hours. He chose a cannoli and that’s what he got.
Annie had to work late, so I prepared his dinner—also a special request—a personal cheese pizza. I got one for myself, too, and right after I finished it—one of the dental bridges in my mouth fell out.
I’m really getting tired of this.
My daughter has cancer, my grandson has some unknown gastroenterological issue, I’m still job-hunting at 65 AND I lose my teeth?! This is not the place I thought I’d be in my mid-60s; not that I had a clear idea what it would look like to begin with. Sometimes it feels like the needle is stuck in the “throw some more shit at Cindy” groove and I wonder what I did in a past life to deserve this. But I don’t believe in past lives, so that can’t be the problem.
The problem is that, once again, I have no problems. I have a whole bunch of issues I have to contend with, but nothing that is out of the realm of the typical stuff that happens to humans in this life. In absolutely no document, contract or tablet does it say that humans are guaranteed smooth sailing from the time they are born til the time they die. There are numerous viewpoints espoused by clerics and laypeople alike that direct people to live good lives and they’ll get rewarded—when they die. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to believe such a guideline—it seems fair to expect things to work out if you put your faith and energy towards following the rules. But time and time again that certainty is tested…and prevented.
Lately, to me, it almost feels like a gauntlet has been thrown down goading me to weaken and succumb to a despair that affirms the momentary meltdowns I’ve had and continue to experience in the face of my current challenges. Week after week some other health, financial, emotional jolt plops itself down in our midst daring me to fail. Sometimes I do succumb. But, mostly, I end up finding something to be grateful about, dammit. A “silver lining” if you will. Part of it is due to Annie’s unexpected, but not surprising, amazing outlook—she has not once shown any of us the anger or fear she must have to confront at least privately.
But it’s also that I really feel this way; as horrible as cancer is (and gastrointestinal issues in 11-year-olds) we can be there for each other. We love each other. We can laugh—when Annie got home and heard about my collapsed bridge with the exposed shards of metal in my mouth, she said, “Well, I have some mounting putty for pictures you could shove in your mouth.” See? We’re funny! And we can be together. As Luca went to sleep last night, listening to the soundtrack of Hamilton, he said, “Maybe we can watch Hamilton together tomorrow since we’ll all be home.” So, that’s exactly what we’re going to do.
I definitely don’t have a problem with that.
Praying for Luca and Annie and you! Yes, love shared is ALL there is when it comes down to it.
You’ve got that love. It is the treasure. ♥️