I kicked myself the other day--not an uncommon occurrence--but this time it was because, to find a particular item, I had finally rummaged through the boxes we brought up from Florida from my Dad’s move that remain packed and stacked in the garage (and by “I” I mean I had Angelo do it). After four years, I felt it was time to unwrap the family tree decoration that my mom kept in their living room since I had given it to them for Christmas almost twenty years earlier. At some point, Mom had wound some tiny white lights throughout the leaves and I sent down extra frames to include new family members, like Tony and Luca. And it’s lovely…I’m not big on home decorating (and if you’ve been to my house you know this) but I love this tree and I put it right on the mantle above the fireplace.
The kicking occurred when I thought to myself, “Why isn’t this something I placed in my home the second I moved dad in?” Why wasn’t this memento of their life together promptly displayed as soon as he stepped foot in the door? He may or may not have even noticed it was there, but it was something I should have done; what was I waiting for?
It reminded me of what Angelo and I said to each other after we hired a guy to put in a small patio at the end of our porch last May thus extending our outdoor living area by over double! Afterwards, we spent every minute we could outside during the summer and when it got cooler, Angelo bought an outdoor stove and we stayed until the cold drove us indoors. It was incredible how such a little thing changed our whole backyard and we said over and over to each other, “Why didn’t we do this sooner?!” Like in the last 18 years or so?
I think sometimes I am waiting for someone to tell me what to do. Not Angelo, of course, but someone like my mom. Or my dad. Sometimes I think, when the stress of life ramps up and there are days when even opening mail becomes overwhelming, there’s a nostalgic yearning for someone to swoop in and just take care of stuff for a minute. I’ve been a grown up for a long time, but every once in a while, I feel like it would still feel good if someone else could decide on which flight to take. Or remind me to send a thank you note. Or call the doctor’s office to argue about the bill.
Angelo has been listening to Pema Chodron books on tape to help him get to sleep when he wakes up in the middle of the night. (Ironically, I listen to him listening to his books on tape to help me get back to sleep in the middle of the night, since the sound is audible through his hearing aids.) I forget how this came up, but I was probably expressing some guilt about wishing I had thought to get the tree out while Dad was here, and Angelo—as usual—let me know that I did what I did when I could. We had a lot going on while we were caring for Dad and there was already a lot to remember to do. Particularly by two people who tend to forget stuff now and then. We did the best we could—and then he quoted Pema: “There is no babysitter” who’s going to come in and take care of us. We’re it.
That quote came from an essay that has a whole lot of other messages, but for me, it made sense. I have to trust the rhythm of our life as it is, but more than that I have to trust the rhythm of my own energy. I’m not a slacker…I can be somewhat forgetful and I can ignore a task or errand with my eyes closed. But I usually get around to doing the things that are required of me or that I’m responsible for.
So, the tree in its proper place…on the mantle with new batteries for the lights. The frames had been wrapped, labeled and nestled in with the carefully protected tree (I may not have many decorations, but I can wrap them like nobody’s business), so I updated the frames with Maddie and Aiden and kept a blank one or two ready for more additions to the family. Which I’m sure I’ll remember to do. Because I’m the babysitter. At my age, what good is what I’ve learned about myself if not for helping to take care of myself? And those I love.
Do what we do when we can, my new reminder.Our friend Melanie said "I can forget what I'm doing while I'm doing it" we need to also be kind to ourselves,Patient Babysitters
Geez- I want to zoom in on all those photos!