As the story goes, my mother’s mother—Nana— (pronounced like the dog in Peter Pan and not the American version of Nonna) was the creator of the phrase and concept: Check your motives. As long as I can remember, this has been one of my guiding mantras to make sure that the decision or action on which I am about to embark was made with the purest of intentions; no manipulation, no self-interest, no defensiveness. In fact, there have been times I’ve prided myself on “doing the right thing” since I had such a stellar and foolproof method to keep me from being say, an asshole.
But have I?
How do I know? Yes, I have a metric, but it’s my metric. I think I’m clear on my motives, but what if I make a mistake? Can we know for ourselves when we’re making mistakes? Or do we just find out later after being met with the response or reaction from another? If we even pay attention to such data. As I write this, it’s literally just occurring to me that some people in this world are so without self-awareness that to bring it to their attention is a waste of time. (Behold! My brain at work!) So, I’m not talking about those people. I’m talking about those of us—and I know you’re out there—who feel an obligation to operate as if we are one of many. A friend. A partner. A family. A community. As but one thread in the human tapestry.
This idea of knowing for ourselves whether or not we can act without malice or self-interest is an extension of a quote I read attributed to Albert Einstein. He once wrote to his son about life that, “It is the same with people as it is with riding a bike. Only when moving can one comfortably maintain one’s balance.”
But, again . . . how do I know? Am I moving or just convincing myself I am? How do I know, without feedback or some connection to others, that I’m actually not stalled out somewhere along the road of life? Intuition is one thing, but feedback is essential. Feedback in the form of the behavior or actual responses of those around you.
You want your girlfriend to tell you have spinach in your teeth, even though you already looked in the bathroom mirror for just that purpose.
You want your spouse to tell you that a shower might be a great idea before you leave the house for the day, even though you think you’re fine—it’s just been—what? A couple of days since the last one?
You want your students to tell you that they’re not clear on the assignment, even though you’re positive you wrote explicit directions.
You want your kids to tell you when you’re not minding your own business and that they know perfectly well how to raise their own kids. (Ummm—let me think about that one for a minute.)
But--what if that information isn’t the most reliable source of feedback? Sometimes others are so wrapped up in their own dilemmas that they are hardly an accurate barometer of anybody else’s movement, much less their own. (Nobody I know, of course.) For the most part, you want and rely on your people to help you see an honest reflection of yourself, right?
For my own metric to work, I have to have some indicators that I rely on based on data. For example, when I check my motives, if I realize that I’m feeling any discomfort then there’s probably something amiss in my intentions. In addition, the flip-side of checking motives is acknowledging and accepting consequences. I try to think those through, too, but I’m not as good at it. All in all, though, I think I have a pretty good success rate, but there are times when my so-called checked motives crash and burn as I stand back and watch in horror.
And let me be clear: Much of this checking and rechecking of motives takes minutes. I don’t think I’m constantly in my head about every little pinch and squabble—good lord, that would be insane.
Oh, no. Am I insane?
Tricky one. The road to hell is paved with good intentions - it's a cliche because it's true...
Check your motives... wow. Your Nana knew some stuff about human nature. If only more people were as self aware. I have been on a similar quest for self mastery. I try to discern if my words/ actions are coming from a place of fear or a place of love. Problem is, as you said, you're the one making this call! And sometimes it's not entirely clear. Cheers to those who are actually trying to figure this out.