Birthday wishes
From time to time, when cleaning out a closet or drawer, moving out boxes of old stuff to make room for boxes of new stuff, I’ll come across a bundle of birthday cards I kept for some reason or another. It might have been a significant birthday or just too cute to toss out. Like the first one I got from Luca or Aria with their names scribbled across the entire card. And maybe I could toss out a couple of the really old ones, but I still couldn’t let go of all of them and I would just add them to the box of new stuff.
Thank goodness. Even though I can be pretty judgy about people who keep all their birthday and other holiday cards as ephemeral shrines to their lovability, I suppose I have to admit, I’ve got a bit of a collection myself. I came across the card above when I was looking for some folder labels for school. I opened it, teared up, and set it aside on my desk so I could still have birthday wishes from Annie on my birthday.
My original plan for Silver Linings this week was to take the day off. But then, I got it into my head that I just had to find an article I wrote about Annie almost 30 years ago when I was a columnist for a local paper and post that. My stint at The Observer lasted about 20 minutes (just kidding, but my time was measured in months, not years) and I was thrilled to finally be on my way as a writer. (I wasn’t, but that’s a story for another time.) I wrote about a lot of the things I write about now, including, apparently, my daughter.
I don’t know why it was so important to me to find this particular article. I don’t even remember what triggered the memory of it. The files from that time are buried on 3.5” floppy discs or in a USB drive and did I really want to dig through all those files just to reprint an old essay nobody is even interested in reading? I thought, “I’ll just grab the hard copy of the issue and copy it” but where was that? (In the attic, amidst a bunch more boxes that need to be cleaned out.) I found the carefully preserved stack of newspapers, located the issue I needed, scanned it and was satisfied with that solution. Until the nagging thought that I must have the electronic original somewhere wouldn’t stop poking at me. Long story short—I found that, too.
This is like everything right now having to do with Annie. Her absence/presence is so persistent, that there are many times during the day when I feel I have to find that particular photo or look up a specific email. These tasks and activities I tackle could be seen as unnecessary or busywork, not really producing anything concrete or making me or someone else feel better. But the urge is compelling and I’m pretty sure it’s part of the grief and I am so grateful I have all of this ephemera to surround myself with.
Like our writing together. How lucky am I that we took on that project and I have all these words of hers that I can just read anytime I want to? I’m glad we were a family that sent each other cute and sentimental and funny cards for birthdays and holidays which I can’t help but keep. Who knows why I had to find that 30-year-old article, but I did and it brought back a flood of memories with it. Memories at which I smiled through the tears.
I’m glad I wrote about her then. I’m glad I’m writing about her now. It keeps her with me in the only way she can be.
In our words.
A birthday wish: Here are some ways you can help a Pocket Full of Rocks as we move forward into a new year of providing support and kindness for people who need it, especially those undergoing cancer treatment.
We still have some $100 gift cards to share with people undergoing treatment who need a little lift. A bag of groceries, an oil change, a meal out or a pedicure—you get what you need no questions asked. (We do have to have recipients fill out a form, but it’s a short one and you can get it by emailing: info@loveannie.org)
Want to help in other ways?
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Beautiful.
Autumn is awesome! And, your piece holds up after nearly 30 years, Cindy.