I was listening to the podcast Tiny Victories--as I am wont to do--and the hosts Annabelle Gurwitch and Laura House talked a little bit about the motivation behind creating the show in the first place: to highlight the tiny victories in times when there aren’t a lot of things to celebrate. The podcast started soon after Annabelle (it feels like it’s okay to call her Annabelle . . .) discovered she had lung cancer during the pandemic. Things were not good. During the show I am referring to she said, “whenever anyone says, ‘It’s all good’ I want to stab them because it’s not all good, but there are little goods...” Their show is all about cultivating a tiny victory frame of mind and that is something I really need to remember these days.
Because Annabelle is right--it’s not all good. The term toxic positivity came up during this episode, too, and while I haven’t explored that one too closely, I know it’s a thing. For now, I’ll go with how Psychology Today defines it: “Toxic positivity is the act of avoiding, suppressing, or rejecting negative emotions or experiences” (there’s more at the link).
When I was taking care of my dad, I wrote my way through it. I wanted to record all of the ways I felt, because there were many, very conflicting, feelings. Lots of times I felt terrible about what I was thinking—or worse—saying out loud. Every day was a challenge to make it from the moment I woke up to the moment I could lay my head on my pillow at night. I thought it was important to experience all the feelings and not just push the bad ones down where I couldn’t access them—or have to face them. At the time, I thought it was important to acknowledge as much as I could, even in the face of the very toxic positivity surrounding caregiving: “Oh, you’re so lucky to be able to have your dad live with you!” And even though I felt that way sometimes, there were also times I didn’t.
What I learned in the years of caregiving was that I wasn’t the only one who didn’t always feel “lucky” to be able to take my dad into our home. After appearing on a panel titled “Unpacking Caregiver Guilt” and confessing to the many ways that I didn’t like it and how drastically it had impacted my life, several people came up to me—afterwards—to affirm that they felt the same way I did. They just didn’t want to raise their hands during the discussion and admit to it. This affirmed for me that talking about the hard things is important. I think it’s necessary to recognize and accept all the feelings and process through them. They’re not all good and it’s the processing that gets you through. And writing is one way to process that experience.
Writing about what you’re going through is healing and clarifying—this I know. It’s what I practice and what I teach. And now what I’m going through—and what we’ve all been going through for the last year—is Annie’s cancer. I don’t like it. Not one little bit. I don’t even like referring to it as “Annie’s” cancer…she didn’t pick it out, choose it. It took over her. Cancer has taken over all of our lives and I’m angry and scared and desolated. But I also feel strong and committed to do whatever we have to do to support each other (mostly Annie) along this journey. I want to be present for it, to acknowledge it, to process it. The good stuff and the bad stuff.
So, I guess I’ll be writing about cancer now.
Listen to the Tiny Victories podcast here - You won’t be sorry! https://maximumfun.org/podcasts/tiny-victories/
Cindy, this is Sharon Sherman.
I want you to know that I've been praying for Amy in the morning and in the evening and the people that are part of her life. You're right. She didn't ask for the cancer. She was chosen at random or at the least to test her. Whatever made it happen, this is a time we must all rise to support her and her family.
Let us all relish tiny victories. I also listen to the podcast your reference in your piece.
Best and kind regards,
Sharon
I’m not sure it’s all good either. But learning how to be with it all (good and bad) is the only option we really have. Whatever helps me learn that is a good teacher to follow. Just this week I had a client tell me how much she benefited in the present from a journal she had kept years earlier during a difficult time in her life. Writing it out helps!