True Grief

People send me the most beautiful things.

I am lucky. In my profound grief I am still able to recognize and be grateful for the huge number of people who think of me and reach out to me via a text or email. These messages include links to social media posts of poetry, music, short inspiring videos and excerpts of conversations with people who are also grieving or have some experience with it.

Overall, these messages are stunning in their kindness. And, although I don’t always connect or even agree with some of the sentiments sent my way, I am always grateful to the sender for thinking of me with such generosity. I try to acknowledge all the gifts I get. There’s no reason for me to quibble about their choice of inspiration to share. Maybe it was very meaningful to them and that’s why they sent it.

But then I get a video of Elizabeth Gilbert¹ talking about grief and it tests me. First she says she’s no expert, but then goes on to define “true grief” and states if it’s bearable, it’s not true grief. Well, that sounds like someone who thinks she’s an expert. She goes on to say that resistance of grief is where the pain comes from and that whatever you do to get out of grieving will make the season of grief last longer. That also felt a little judgy to me. What season of grief? It’s a season? So, it will be over? Because that’s not how it’s feeling to me.

I’m not bashing Liz…although I do have an on-again/off-again relationship with her (in my head), me criticizing her thoughts on grief would be just as bad as what I think she’s doing. I just have some trouble with some of those statements. Like 1. are we really going to suggest that there is a metric for “true grief?” Who gets to say when grief is bearable or not? As it happens, mine happens to be bearable right now because I’m sitting at my computer writing this. I am showered and dressed—even though I don’t have to go outside because there is like five feet of snow blocking my door—and I had a healthy breakfast of oatmeal with a little Chobani Cinnamon Coffee Cake creamer (which you should definitely try).

And 2. Um, I might have to resist my grief sometimes. I might be with my grandson making him dinner and when I pick up the fancy measuring cup that Annie bought to measure out the milk for his mac and cheese, and a wave of grief hits me, I might not lay down on the floor and let it wash over me right there in the kitchen. I’m going to resist it until a time when I can feel it and be with it. And that’s not only where the pain comes from, by the way. Sometimes the pain is right on top of the joy as I listen to that same grandson laugh when he comes in to show me a hilarious video of a trending prank on Instagram. And, I’m not even resisting then…I’m full on open to it and it still hurts.

Loss is weird and individual and fragile. I watched the losses of my mother, sister, dad and daughter happen in slow motion. There is a part of me that began grieving before they died. Others have lost people suddenly, violently, tragically. No warning, no chance to understand what happened. Grieving showed up in an instant for them, with no forethought to whether or not anything would ever be bearable again.

I imagined my losses, their deaths in advance. Of course I had no idea how devastating it would be when my daughter was taken from me, but my brain began living it, rewiring my future, giving me notes even as we made plans for birthdays and hospital trips.

So…I’m not bashing here, because the one thing I know about grief is that nobody, not Liz Gilbert, not me, no internet experts or famous journalists--nobody can tell you that how you’re grieving is wrong…or will make it worse or isn’t “true.”

And maybe I missed her point or only caught part of her remarks. Maybe. I just felt like I wanted to use my own little corner of the internet to share with anyone who needs to hear it, that the grief you feel is as unique as you are and you can deny it, fall into it, bear it…or not. Your grief is legit.

Your grief is true.

1. I’m not tagging her or sharing the link or using SEO or anything to get Ms. Gilbert’s attention. I used her name because I think it’s important to know that, while everybody grieves, you don’t become an expert just because you have a global platform. Like it or not, some people have to be careful of how they talk about certain topics, especially grief.