Words of Wisdom
No, not mine. I heard some recently that dropped neatly into my consciousness at the moment some part of me needed to hear them. Constant readers know that the year anniversary of the death of my daughter arrived recently. It had been a difficult day surrounded by challenging days before and after. But I heard one thing that morning that I’ve thought about over and over again—and it was none other than Tina Fey who said it to me.
Of course, I wasn’t actually in her presence—she wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to Amy Poehler on her podcast, Good Hang. I was at the gym on the treadmill and I usually listen to a podcast while I’m pretending to exercise. I had run out of Julia Louis Dreyfuss’s “Wiser Than Me” episodes and I heard that Amy Poehler had a new podcast, so I looked it up. When I saw that the first guest was Tina Fey, I decided to give it a try.
First of all, because I was certain it would be funny. During the two years and nine months that Annie fought cancer, she kept up an unbelievably positive attitude. I mean, I couldn’t believe how positive she was on such a regular basis. She became kinder if that was even possible, seeing the good in others almost psychically. She kept negative energy and thoughts at bay, focusing mostly on the good in her life. And on our weekly sleepovers, when we used to binge watch “our shows,” we started choosing comedies over anything more dramatic or with the potential to be violent. (Unfortunately, we made an exception for The Bear, which was good, but exhausting.)
Also, Annie loved Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, but was kind of partial to Amy. An early fan, she became infatuated with the character Leslie Knope from Parks and Recreation. Leslie Knope was like Annie’s spirit animal, and she emulated her to the point of dressing up as Leslie for Halloween one year. I think she connected with Amy Poehler because they were alike in so many ways except for the incredibly well-known and rich way. But I thought Annie was just as funny as Amy and, don’t tell Amy I said this, but prettier, too.
With Tina Fey, she was more a fan of her writing, although she probably watched every movie she was in. When Annie wrote about her cancer after the first year of treatment—also an unbelievably positive summary on the rough road it had been as well confidence about her future, her message was to keep going. She quoted something Tina had said in an interview about when things are overwhelming, that’s what you do—keep going. And that’s exactly what Annie did.
So, when I was listening to this podcast on the year anniversary of Annie’s death, I was smiling. And chuckling a little. At one point, the two friends were talking about behavior relating to work and Tina shared that she learned something about herself and her behavior when she had to write something and said, “I can at least see that pattern, but it doesn’t prevent it from happening.”
And that, my constant readers, was like a light bulb flashing on in my head. Think about it for a second—where does that statement not apply in our lives? At that moment, it applied to my state of grief—I knew the date was coming, I could prepare for it, but it didn’t prevent the feelings from happening. We can’t delete the negative simply by anticipating it. We can’t prevent our bad or unwelcome behavior just because we know the triggers. Sometimes things are just bad and hard and sad and inevitable.
For me, though, this wasn’t an excuse to behave badly, but an affirmation that, while bad things happen, we still have some agency about how we handle them. We can put strategies in place for ourselves; gentle, realistic plans for when the going gets rough. Like watching comedies. And being kind and looking for the good in people. And in our lives.
At first, I thought it was a terrible decision to listen to this show—I felt bad that Annie wasn’t around to listen it. But then I realized, no—Annie would have loved that I listened to it because she would want me to laugh and love Amy and Tina as much as she did. Plus, having Tina Fey speak directly to me? I think I made the right choice.
Because who doesn’t need words of wisdom?
Please let me know if you’re new here…I’d love to know how you found this newsletter or if you have any questions. And, always, feel free to share your own story. ♥
It is amazing how we can hear a pearl or gem just when we need it…even though we already knew it. It lands just perfectly and with impeccable timing. Angels, I imagine.
So true!